Transformers, Robots in Disguise

 Against my better judgment, I suffered through 2 hours and 20 minutes of Michael Bay's Transformers. This movie is a prime (or should I say Optimus Prime-- yes, I am allowed lame jokes for this review) example of a huge budget (equal to my monthly salary of $150 million) with no idea what to do with it. And to add to my misery, the movie's gross doubled the budget; thus, dreaded sequels were produced so that M. Bae could use explosives legally.

If you follow the line of reasoning that there is no such thing as bad publicity, well then, I give you my review of Transformers. To set off the vibe of the film, I am reminded of a video Mr. Lerchie showed his world geography classes. It analyzed all of the presidential candidates' use of vocabulary and scored them according to grade level. Unsurprisingly, Donald Trump is just above a 4^th grade reading level. Don't expect much more from this movie. Let's stoop down to the film's level and sum it all up as simply as possible: It bad.

This all starts with the director. Granted, Michael Bay did exactly the opposite for what he did with this franchise when he directed the recent war film 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi-- he was focused to details and characters and it paid off as a nice tribute to the tragic fact-based story it represented. On the other hand, this film starts off with soldiers with no backgrounds that are completely expendable if their names aren't known to audiences. And I will talk about the actors later (cough Megan Fox), but first I want to make sure I blast Michael Bay with the whole arsenal he used to produce this disastrous film. At the length the film has, the pace needed to be quick to satisfy the action sequences. What happened instead was an imbalance. What I mean by that is the fact that I can't name single shot with a still camera. Constant movement mixed with slight shaking accompanies clashing metal and blaring explosives, and the result is no clear focus for the viewer. The climactic battle is so jumbled to the point of never knowing if an Autobot or Decepticon just got hit or where I was in relation to the action.

Furthermore, it was as if Michael Bay had called out, “Action!” and a delayed moment later the actors were moving or talking. Basically, there was this stiffness that removed any realism, and all jokes fell flat or were simply forced-- well, maybe a 10-year-old boy might laugh, but that's way beside the point. Now then, my previous 2 reviews have both been positive, so I don't want to be a complete downer on Transformers. In fact, I even have a favorite quote from the film: “We are here. We are waiting.” Why is that my favorite quote, you might ask? Because it marked the end of the movie, and never have I been more relieved for that.

Fans of actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf will probably be pretty disappointed. Whereas you could find charm from what could be called a quick wit in movies like Disturbia or especially Holes, there is an overwhelming lack of preparation. And that truly goes to the entire cast; even appearances from Jon Voight and John Turturro feel thrown in as an after-thought to a pointlessly loud movie where apparently yelling everything makes it all funnier or frantic. And then there's Megan Fox. Not once did I believe she had any idea what words she yelled out to the screen. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the type of guy to go around throwing labels at people, which is why I wouldn't dare throw labels like “actress” or “talented” Ms. Fox's way.

For those planning on watching the Oscars tonight, it might be interesting to know that Transformers was nominated for 3 Oscars: Sound Editing/Mixing and Best Achievement in Visual Effects. I disagree strongly with the sound nominations. Films like Star Wars changed the game with such iconic sounds that added such life to a vast galaxy. In Michael Bay's film, all I heard was screeching metals of varying degree that grew old so quickly. In the film's small defense, the robots are actually quite detailed and impressive; however, their intricate transformations were used with quickly edited shots that blurred whatever action was happening and rendered any appreciation for the natural flow of movement useless.

It pains me to continue to look back on this film, think about the film, or even utter the title of the film. There will be no more reviews of this franchise because I would like to reiterate a sophisticated point I made earlier-- it bad. Now as an actual tribute to tonight being the Oscars, tomorrow joins Bill Murray with my favorite actress in a tremendous film that all need to see. Good-bye until tomorrow, and for whatever life might be worth, please do not see Transformers. Please.