Gillipedia Official Rating: Very Not Good
Hitmen like Jason Bourne and John Wick have carved their identities through distinct styles and memorable films. And then there’s Joe. And not like the gritty, realistic drama Joe starring the titular Nic Cage and Tye Sheridan. No, we’re talking about the nephew of Francis Ford Coppola playing hitman Joe in Bangkok Dangerous. Please don’t watch this movie. I did chuckle a couple of times, but it’s not the levels of bad that Batman & Robin is where it’s super entertaining to watch. It’s just really, really bad.
The opening scene must be one of the most boring introductions to an action film. Niccy Cage narrates dully about having four arbitrary rules as a hitman (so that he can proceed to break them over the course of the film) as he scopes down the sight of his target in Prague. The narration is amateurish, the directing is laughably one-note (after the guy is gunned down, the film cuts to two separate shots of guards nearby reacting with over-the-top surprised reactions), and it’s edited quickly to make it appear like a lot has happened. What really happens is the movie spends a couple of minutes of Cage lying down before finally taking the shot on the guy that doesn’t move. This is the action film you won’t be watching, people.
The basic premise is that the fourth rule Cagey has is to know when to step away, and he realizes that his next job in Bangkok is that job. He’s hired by two guys whose sole motivations are that they’re bad guys, and he’ll be sent four targets to eliminate over the next few weeks. He finds a lowly character in Kong because he knows Kong is willing to aid him for money and—in Nic Cage’s words—most importantly, he’s disposable. Kong acts as the courier for Cage and picks up his briefcases from a weird night club where Kong becomes infatuated by one of the dancers. Pretty basic stuff so far but nothing too egregious.
Twenty minutes into this mess, the film decides to become a weird hybrid between Leon: The Professional and The Karate Kid. Kong gets beat up by a group of guys that open the briefcase, but he slashes their legs and through the magic of editing also somehow retrieves the case. He manages to bring it back to Cage where he apologizes for being late and mentions that the target in the briefcase is a bad guy. Cage considers killing him because he knows too much, but because he somehow sees himself in Kong I guess (?) he turns a 180 and proceeds to give Kong his first lesson in becoming a hitman.
Around the same time, Cage rides a motorcycle on his way to kill his first target. On the drive back, he clips his arm on something and has to go to a pharmacy. There, he is treated by the deaf worker and Cage starts falling for her. They go on a couple of dates where Cage is supposed to be the clumsy foreigner that makes her laugh, but it really just comes off as supremely awkward. It’s also Cage not even trying to phone it in. They go on a dinner date where he eats spicy food. He says, “Ah, it’s hot.” Then she offers him some herbs to chew on and says, “Ah, that’s better.” Now I’d like you to read those lines with your best Nic Cage impression but remove all emotion from the equation, and that’s just about what it sounds like. Those interested in a film that not only portrays deafness in a real way but is also an incredible film from start to finish should watch A Silent Voice. Another option is Babel.
Back to Bangkok! Cage’s second target is another terribly filmed scene. We’re greeted to a gangster type living it up with girls by his side. He takes a casual dip in his outdoor pool where a girl reclines nearby and a bodyguard watches. The film decides the best approach here is to treat the movie like it’s Jaws. We see the target swimming, then a black blob under the water trails behind. There’s no explanation of how Cage got there, and the film occasionally cuts to the bodyguard to remind you that yes, he is still there, but no, he doesn’t spot any of this happening. We never see Cage surface; instead, he pulls the guy under and drowns him. Never surfacing himself, the next shot shows UnCaged swimming away still under the surface. It’s almost like the sequence from Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation except not at all.
I’d like to point out that I’m not a glutton for criticism. There’s actually one single good scene. Kong recognizes that he’s being followed after he picks up the new case, and His Cageness tells him to put the phone in the case and throw it off. The baddies pick it up and bring it to the boss. Cool Hand Cage takes a page out of Jack Reacher and threatens the boss over the phone while he’s having dinner with his family. Enjoy the scene while you can because the rest is still trash.
The mission for the third target goes haywire so that we can be treated to action, and it’s honestly Cage’s fault. The hit is riding on Bangkok’s gondolas, and Minimum Cage poses as a tourist on his own gondola. It’s really crowded, and he has to cover his gun, so his aim is limited. He can’t get a shot, so the target recognizes he’s in trouble and flees. Cage chases, and the target shoots some barrels that explode in laughably dramatic fashion. Mr. Cage catches up and does… something. The way the scene is shot, I really have no idea what happened, but the target’s hand holding the gun is sliced off and Cage finishes the job. These action scenes have no special awareness, so it’s impossible to tell where people are, what the stakes are, and what is even happening. The worst case of this is the climax which we will mercifully get to soon.
Soon afterward King Cage and Kong are hanging out and a politician on the TV comes on. Kong has previously praised Cage’s killings because the targets are bad guys, and he remarks here how this is a good guy who helps the poor. In a movie with approximately zero surprises, we learn a couple scenes later that this politician is Cagey Boy’s final target. The film also switches back to the guys that hired him, and they talk about how they better cut off loose ends and retrieve Kong and his girl.
Before we get to the climax, we have to wrap up the romance with the pharmacy girl. In a scene I’m still struggling to comprehend, Supreme Overlord Cage and the girl go for a walk in a park. Two guys approach him from behind and tap his shoulder or something. Believing them to be baddies, Cage shoots them, splattering some of the blood on the girl’s shoulder. One of the guys motions to maybe a wallet? Maybe he was just trying to give him something back that he dropped? I’m not sure. Regardless, the girl is understandably mortified by the actions of the guy that she previously believed to be a banker. And that’s pretty much that with her.
So Chancellor Cage goes to assassinate the politician, but he has a change of heart. Oh, I guess I should say now that I will be spoiling this whole movie, so say your objections now before I move on… Okay, moving on. So Cage doesn’t kill the guy, but we’re treated to a bodyguard spotting him through his window and ordering for all guns to be fired at him immediately. He rushes out onto the street and takes a guy’s hat, and the guy acknowledges that his hat has just been stolen, but I guess it’s fine that he’s in enough of a panic that he runs away. Cage takes advantage of his disguise and manages to escape.
Some goons are sent to kill Cage Against the Machine, but he handles them and takes one prisoner to guide him to where Kong and the girl are. We did it. We’ve reached the climactic battle. Near the end of it, Cage has the jump on one guy, but he decides the best move is to charge guns blazing at him in what is supposed to be a cool looking shot where they shoot at each other with water jugs serving as a blockade between them. Cage gets shot near the shoulder, but he’s able to kill the guy. Kong and the girl have managed to escape at this point, so the only thing remaining is the main bad guy in a car with three of his best buds. Cage shoots the three, leaving a scared villain in the car. The police have shown up, waiting for this movie to the end so that they can check out the scene. And in an ending that makes no sense to me, Cage gets in the car with the villain. I guess this is supposed to be a heroic sacrifice—something with the magnitude of say Gran Torino. I don’t get why Cage felt like the only option left was to kill himself. The police are there, sure, but he could definitely escape. Is the pain of not seeing pharmacy girl anymore too much? Has he taught Kong everything he needs to know? Before this happens, though, I’d like to point something out. The driver was the second person that Cage shot. By the time Cage enters the car, the car has remained stopped. Realizing that the scene has to continue, Cage knows what he must do as the driver’s foot falls off the brake and the car slowly drives backward in a straight line toward where the police are hunkered down. Cage lines himself and the bad guy up, and he takes them both out in one shot. We’re then treated to Kong staring out over a bay or something in a low frames-per-second shot for about seven seconds, and then the credits roll after that.
Everything here is so bad. The audio quality is inconsistent, and the directing is awful. I can just see the directors being like, “Okay, Nic, now look off into the distance. More menacing, more menacing. There you go. Perfect. Annnnd cut, I think we got it, guys.” Nobody’s motivations during the story makes sense either. Nicster has been accepting movie roles left and right the last decade and a half to help pay off his terrible real estate deals and tax troubles. To be fair he’s still shown up in some good movies. Bangkok Dangerous is not one of them. I can’t even recommend watching this ironically. It doesn’t work. The best reaction I can possibly see a person having to watching this film is, “Yeah, it wasn’t that bad.” But you’re wrong, person, because I stand by the title of this review.
In Brief:
- Christopher Nolan and Warner Bros. clash a little over the release of Tenet. Nolan is a firm believer in the moviegoing experience and refused to delay his film set to come out in mid-July. Considering his track record of box office hits, it looks like the compromise is to delay it a couple of weeks to the end of July.
- Knives Out is available for Prime members. If you haven’t watched it yet or haven’t seen it for a second time, I highly recommend it. It was my second favorite film of 2019.
- Also available now on Prime is their original movie 7500 about Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a pilot on a plane with hijackers. I haven’t watched it yet, but I’m sure I will soon.
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