Bangkok Dangerous is a Truly Terrible Nic Cage Movie

Gillipedia Official Rating: Very Not Good

            Hitmen like Jason Bourne and John Wick have carved their identities through distinct styles and memorable films. And then there’s Joe. And not like the gritty, realistic drama Joe starring the titular Nic Cage and Tye Sheridan. No, we’re talking about the nephew of Francis Ford Coppola playing hitman Joe in Bangkok Dangerous.  Please don’t watch this movie. I did chuckle a couple of times, but it’s not the levels of bad that Batman & Robin is where it’s super entertaining to watch. It’s just really, really bad.

            The opening scene must be one of the most boring introductions to an action film. Niccy Cage narrates dully about having four arbitrary rules as a hitman (so that he can proceed to break them over the course of the film) as he scopes down the sight of his target in Prague. The narration is amateurish, the directing is laughably one-note (after the guy is gunned down, the film cuts to two separate shots of guards nearby reacting with over-the-top surprised reactions), and it’s edited quickly to make it appear like a lot has happened. What really happens is the movie spends a couple of minutes of Cage lying down before finally taking the shot on the guy that doesn’t move. This is the action film you won’t be watching, people.

            The basic premise is that the fourth rule Cagey has is to know when to step away, and he realizes that his next job in Bangkok is that job. He’s hired by two guys whose sole motivations are that they’re bad guys, and he’ll be sent four targets to eliminate over the next few weeks. He finds a lowly character in Kong because he knows Kong is willing to aid him for money and—in Nic Cage’s words—most importantly, he’s disposable. Kong acts as the courier for Cage and picks up his briefcases from a weird night club where Kong becomes infatuated by one of the dancers. Pretty basic stuff so far but nothing too egregious.

            Twenty minutes into this mess, the film decides to become a weird hybrid between Leon: The Professional and The Karate Kid. Kong gets beat up by a group of guys that open the briefcase, but he slashes their legs and through the magic of editing also somehow retrieves the case. He manages to bring it back to Cage where he apologizes for being late and mentions that the target in the briefcase is a bad guy. Cage considers killing him because he knows too much, but because he somehow sees himself in Kong I guess (?) he turns a 180 and proceeds to give Kong his first lesson in becoming a hitman.

            Around the same time, Cage rides a motorcycle on his way to kill his first target. On the drive back, he clips his arm on something and has to go to a pharmacy. There, he is treated by the deaf worker and Cage starts falling for her. They go on a couple of dates where Cage is supposed to be the clumsy foreigner that makes her laugh, but it really just comes off as supremely awkward. It’s also Cage not even trying to phone it in. They go on a dinner date where he eats spicy food. He says, “Ah, it’s hot.” Then she offers him some herbs to chew on and says, “Ah, that’s better.” Now I’d like you to read those lines with your best Nic Cage impression but remove all emotion from the equation, and that’s just about what it sounds like. Those interested in a film that not only portrays deafness in a real way but is also an incredible film from start to finish should watch A Silent Voice. Another option is Babel.

            Back to Bangkok! Cage’s second target is another terribly filmed scene. We’re greeted to a gangster type living it up with girls by his side. He takes a casual dip in his outdoor pool where a girl reclines nearby and a bodyguard watches. The film decides the best approach here is to treat the movie like it’s Jaws. We see the target swimming, then a black blob under the water trails behind. There’s no explanation of how Cage got there, and the film occasionally cuts to the bodyguard to remind you that yes, he is still there, but no, he doesn’t spot any of this happening. We never see Cage surface; instead, he pulls the guy under and drowns him. Never surfacing himself, the next shot shows UnCaged swimming away still under the surface. It’s almost like the sequence from Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation except not at all.

            I’d like to point out that I’m not a glutton for criticism. There’s actually one single good scene. Kong recognizes that he’s being followed after he picks up the new case, and His Cageness tells him to put the phone in the case and throw it off. The baddies pick it up and bring it to the boss. Cool Hand Cage takes a page out of Jack Reacher and threatens the boss over the phone while he’s having dinner with his family. Enjoy the scene while you can because the rest is still trash.

            The mission for the third target goes haywire so that we can be treated to action, and it’s honestly Cage’s fault. The hit is riding on Bangkok’s gondolas, and Minimum Cage poses as a tourist on his own gondola. It’s really crowded, and he has to cover his gun, so his aim is limited. He can’t get a shot, so the target recognizes he’s in trouble and flees. Cage chases, and the target shoots some barrels that explode in laughably dramatic fashion. Mr. Cage catches up and does… something. The way the scene is shot, I really have no idea what happened, but the target’s hand holding the gun is sliced off and Cage finishes the job. These action scenes have no special awareness, so it’s impossible to tell where people are, what the stakes are, and what is even happening. The worst case of this is the climax which we will mercifully get to soon.

            Soon afterward King Cage and Kong are hanging out and a politician on the TV comes on. Kong has previously praised Cage’s killings because the targets are bad guys, and he remarks here how this is a good guy who helps the poor. In a movie with approximately zero surprises, we learn a couple scenes later that this politician is Cagey Boy’s final target. The film also switches back to the guys that hired him, and they talk about how they better cut off loose ends and retrieve Kong and his girl.

            Before we get to the climax, we have to wrap up the romance with the pharmacy girl. In a scene I’m still struggling to comprehend, Supreme Overlord Cage and the girl go for a walk in a park. Two guys approach him from behind and tap his shoulder or something. Believing them to be baddies, Cage shoots them, splattering some of the blood on the girl’s shoulder. One of the guys motions to maybe a wallet? Maybe he was just trying to give him something back that he dropped? I’m not sure. Regardless, the girl is understandably mortified by the actions of the guy that she previously believed to be a banker. And that’s pretty much that with her.

            So Chancellor Cage goes to assassinate the politician, but he has a change of heart. Oh, I guess I should say now that I will be spoiling this whole movie, so say your objections now before I move on… Okay, moving on. So Cage doesn’t kill the guy, but we’re treated to a bodyguard spotting him through his window and ordering for all guns to be fired at him immediately. He rushes out onto the street and takes a guy’s hat, and the guy acknowledges that his hat has just been stolen, but I guess it’s fine that he’s in enough of a panic that he runs away. Cage takes advantage of his disguise and manages to escape.

            Some goons are sent to kill Cage Against the Machine, but he handles them and takes one prisoner to guide him to where Kong and the girl are. We did it. We’ve reached the climactic battle. Near the end of it, Cage has the jump on one guy, but he decides the best move is to charge guns blazing at him in what is supposed to be a cool looking shot where they shoot at each other with water jugs serving as a blockade between them. Cage gets shot near the shoulder, but he’s able to kill the guy. Kong and the girl have managed to escape at this point, so the only thing remaining is the main bad guy in a car with three of his best buds. Cage shoots the three, leaving a scared villain in the car. The police have shown up, waiting for this movie to the end so that they can check out the scene. And in an ending that makes no sense to me, Cage gets in the car with the villain. I guess this is supposed to be a heroic sacrifice—something with the magnitude of say Gran Torino. I don’t get why Cage felt like the only option left was to kill himself. The police are there, sure, but he could definitely escape. Is the pain of not seeing pharmacy girl anymore too much? Has he taught Kong everything he needs to know? Before this happens, though, I’d like to point something out. The driver was the second person that Cage shot. By the time Cage enters the car, the car has remained stopped. Realizing that the scene has to continue, Cage knows what he must do as the driver’s foot falls off the brake and the car slowly drives backward in a straight line toward where the police are hunkered down. Cage lines himself and the bad guy up, and he takes them both out in one shot. We’re then treated to Kong staring out over a bay or something in a low frames-per-second shot for about seven seconds, and then the credits roll after that.

            Everything here is so bad. The audio quality is inconsistent, and the directing is awful. I can just see the directors being like, “Okay, Nic, now look off into the distance. More menacing, more menacing. There you go. Perfect. Annnnd cut, I think we got it, guys.” Nobody’s motivations during the story makes sense either. Nicster has been accepting movie roles left and right the last decade and a half to help pay off his terrible real estate deals and tax troubles. To be fair he’s still shown up in some good movies. Bangkok Dangerous is not one of them. I can’t even recommend watching this ironically. It doesn’t work. The best reaction I can possibly see a person having to watching this film is, “Yeah, it wasn’t that bad.” But you’re wrong, person, because I stand by the title of this review.

 

In Brief:

• Christopher Nolan and Warner Bros. clash a little over the release of Tenet. Nolan is a firm believer in the moviegoing experience and refused to delay his film set to come out in mid-July. Considering his track record of box office hits, it looks like the compromise is to delay it a couple of weeks to the end of July.
• Knives Out is available for Prime members. If you haven’t watched it yet or haven’t seen it for a second time, I highly recommend it. It was my second favorite film of 2019.
• Also available now on Prime is their original movie 7500 about Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a pilot on a plane with hijackers. I haven’t watched it yet, but I’m sure I will soon.

Uncut Gems

Gillipedia Official Rating: Rocky

^took me about 10 seconds to think of that

            Just like actual uncut gems, this movie is rough around the edges. I went in all high and mighty with my prior knowledge to A24 films feeling confident I was in for another hard-hitting flick. And I feel like with just a few changes, the movie is well on its way to that status. But as it is now, I can’t help but feel underwhelmed.

            Before we move on to my factual opinions regarding this film, let’s talk about what we’re actually dealing with so far. Taking place over a couple of days, the film completely revolves around the chaotic mess that Adam Sandler’s Jewish jeweler (impossible to say Jewish jeweler quickly) character Howard has created for his business. He owns a high-end jewelry shop in Manhattan’s diamond district with big-ticket items. The problem is that he gets loans and proceeds to place risky parlay sports bets using that money, and evidently, it hasn’t all worked out. One of the highlights of the film is that we’re not given a history lesson on any of this. We’re able to put all the pieces together as we follow Howard around interacting with all of his associates.

            The basic formula for the film is a debtee comes to collect from Howard, and he either brushes him off or tries telling some form of a white lie. Howard proceeds to another location where he is hell-bent on one objective, and he ignores any obstacle in his way—and these obstacles come back in one way or another to his detriment. It’s in these moments that you see the best of Sandler and the failure of the film. These are supposed to be anxiety inducing, squirmy scenes. In one way I totally agree that watching Howard conduct business is hard to watch in a great way; however, it’s totally undermined by the score. Let me explain.

            Actually, before I explain, now is as good a time as any to discuss Sandler’s performance. Some of your thoughts may be along the lines of, “Wait! Adam Sandler from 50 First Dates and Happy Gilmore and Grown Ups?” Or, “Adam Sandler from all those failed Netflix movies is doing drama?” Or even, “You’re telling me the star of my favorite movie ever Pixels is in a serious role? Cool!” Regardless of how familiar you are with Sandler, it’s worth pointing out that over a decade ago he starred in a film called Punch-Drunk Love. That role still allowed Sandler his comedic moments, but it was a truly committed performance in a highly underrated film. The point is that it has been established that Sandler has acting chops with the right material. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that his performance here is Oscar worthy, but he’s perfect and transformative as the character and works really well.

            The other noteworthy person in this film is Kevin Garnett. The whole film takes place during his Eastern Conference Semis series with the Celtics against the 76’ers in 2012. It’s a smart choice considering he hasn’t aged in pretty much the 20 years he’s been playing in the league. It’s his film debut, and he holds his own. It also marks the debut for The Weeknd, but we don’t care about that. If you want a notable debut from a musician, check out something like John Legend in La La Land. And The Weeknd isn’t even the last debut we’re mentioning—it’s also the first film for Julia Fox who plays Sandler’s lover and sometimes employee. There was one line of dialogue in particular that stood out as bad writing for her character, but beyond that, I’m immensely impressed and look forward to seeing what else she’s in. And last but certainly not least, LaKeith Stanfield has a supporting role. He’s a tremendous actor that broke out in Donald Glover’s show Atlanta and has appeared in big movies like Get Out and Knives Out. The focus of the film is on Sandler at all times, so Stanfield’s role is delegated mainly to the background, and I think that’s a bit of a shame. Would’ve liked to have seen more of him in this. Oh, and Elsa from Frozen is here too.

            Now then, back to why the intensity of this film fails. I put the primary fault on the choice of score. There’s huge synth vibes straight out of Blade Runner running amok out here in the movie, and it’s one of the oddest choices I’ve seen. I’m a huge fan of the Blade Runner soundtrack, but I would never put it in this film. A lot of what’s supposed to be frenetic energy is lost here, and it’s a shame. The fix here would be to go largely drum-based and take a play out of Birdman’s handbook.

            All in all this film takes Spielberg levels of characters talking over each other and ramps it up to a 12. Yes, it’s interesting to see how Sandler’s debts start piling on top of each other, but there isn’t all that much variation in how these play out. There is a scene that let’s us breathe a bit where the family partakes in Passover celebrations, and I commend the film for it—it was interesting to look into a religion I don’t have much knowledge about. Then we get to the climax which was fun to watch and added much more tension because we were following both Sandler and Julia Fox. But I can’t say I’m happy with the finish. It makes sense in enough ways, but it’s also not satisfying. I was expecting a bit more grit out of this A24 film honestly. Not quite a winner for me.

 

In Brief:

I wonder how Joss Whedon feels about the Snyder cut.

The Peanut Butter Falcon

Gillipedia Official Rating: Bayou Goodness

            This is the sweetest film you’ll see in a while. No, it’s not perfect. It’s also a little simplistic, but its heart carries it through its 100-minute runtime. What is The Peanut Butter Falcon? It’s a tale with hints of O Brother, Where Art Thou? and Mud about a young man with Down Syndrome named Zak who has been put at a retirement home for the last couple of years because he doesn’t have anywhere else to go. He watches Thomas Haden Church perform as the Saltwater Redneck on video and runs away with the help of Bruce Dern to fulfill his dream of becoming a wrestler. Through unusual circumstances Zak is thrust upon Tyler (Shia Lebeouf) who is also on the run, and together they have an adventure through the coast of North Carolina.

            This isn’t a hilarious film, but there’s enough humor to keep things running—most provided courtesy of newcomer Zachary Gottsagen. As you may already know if you’re familiar with my reviews, I will critique a film based on its merits first and foremost. And I have to commend Zak for his performance; he feels like he belongs, and it takes guts to perform in your underwear for as long as he does in this film.

            Shia Labeouf’s Tyler plays out about as you’d expect. He’s a fisherman who lashes out at the world because he’s still grieving over the loss of his brother (played by Jon Bernthal in flashbacks—these are mostly subpar and are really used to pad the runtime) by stealing crab and burning gear. Zak sneaks onto Tyler’s boat as he has to avoid the fishermen whose gear he torched (one played by a rapper who goes by the great name Yelawolf). Tyler is dismissive of Zak, and even though he doesn’t bully him like others have already in the film, he’s also not keen on keeping him around considering he doesn’t bring anything to the table. But as the pair continue along, Zak proves to be a loyal partner, and Tyler helps teach him to swim and trains him up to be a wrestler. We’re treated to a couple of montages, and the entire soundtrack is filled with old bluegrass, folksy tunes and I’m all for it (Just wanted to point out that while doing my research for this review, I came across a band called The Electric Peanut Butter Company and I felt like sharing that. That is all. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.). My biggest issue is how quickly Tyler goes from solo outlaw to seeing Zak as a brother figure. It fits in well enough with the brisk pacing and light tone, but a critic’s gotta critic after all.

            Dakota Johnson of 50 Shades notoriety is also here. Outside of Zak’s roommate played by Bruce Dern, Johnson is one of the few people at the retirement center that truly cares about Zak’s well-being, and she’s sent by her boss to retrieve him. It doesn’t take much convincing for her to join the motley crew; a few googly eyes later and her and Tyler hit it off. Again, their relationship is rushed—even more so than Tyler and Zak’s bond. Like when they first meet in a convenience store, Johnson leaves by giving the Tyler the middle finger. It was in a playful way, sure, but it all felt like a quick turnaround. And yes, I understand they bond over their fondness for Zak, but I’d just like to sit over here and nitpick in peace please.

            There really isn’t anything here that will surprise you. It’s a formulaic feel-good movie with the twist of Zak as one of the main characters. And truthfully, it doesn’t need to be more than that. I’m a fan of my dark noir thrillers and my action escapades, but there’s nothing wrong with enjoying a sweet film. Enjoy this movie and don’t forget that the #1 rule is party.

 

In Brief:

• I think Netflix is clogged with substandard content with some great shows and films mixed in. I think Steve Carell’s Space Force could be good and is probably somewhat funny, but I wasn’t impressed by the trailer.
• If you didn’t check out The Last Dance on ESPN, you missed out. Not only was it great to get some sort of sports content, it was also just super engaging. A lot of young athletes especially can learn what mindsets and consequences it takes to achieve what MJ did. And it was really funny seeing the slight behind-the-scenes peek at Space Jam.
• I recently re-watched the John Wick trilogy and can safely say that I had no regrets about that. I know after the third one the series has become mainstream, but if you haven’t checked them out yet, I highly recommend them. Some of the best action movies ever.

The Lighthouse + The VVitch

Gillipedia Official Rating: “It’s metaphorical!” – Ki Woo, Parasite

            If you’re wondering why I chose these two films, they are the two highly critically praised films from relative newcomer Robert Eggers. The Lighthouse gained a bit of notoriety when it came out last year for its choice of shooting in black and white. It follows two lighthouse workers in the late 19^th century as they maintain this essential seafaring service in sometimes blistering weather off the coast of New England. Willem Dafoe is the veteran skipper, and Robert Pattinson is the new guy, but not all is at it seems.

            You will probably never hear me talk about stuff like aspect ratios, but this film is shot very narrowly and creates a bit of claustrophobia while lending itself to the decision to keep the actors’ faces in center frame for a large portion of the film. We start off with the two men on a small, canoe-like boat heading to the titular lighthouse. There’s very little dialogue in the first 20 minutes of the film as Willem farts a bunch and leaves the menial tasks to the upcoming Batman. Already early on we’re treated to these almost dream-like sequences of Pattinson wading farther and farther out into the water and logs floating towards him and Willem doing some Willem things by going up the lighthouse and baring and basking in all the glory of the light at night. And during much of the slower parts, there’s a low, deep roaring like a ship horn that blares ominously throughout. There’s intrigue here, some good shots, and not bad—but rather slow—start overall.

            Willem performs most of the dialogue which mainly consists of drunken soliloquys that could’ve been taken straight from Shakespeare. He talks a bunch about gods and the sea and Poseidon and you’ll hardly see him blink. What does that mean, you might ask? It’s the stuff that critics eat up and draws most of the attention, but it’s not really all that enjoyable honestly. In fact the biggest praise I have of the film is actually for Pattinson. His performance is subdued, but it slowly becomes more and more deranged as the psychological effects of the isolated area and the story unfold, and it makes me very excited to see what he will bring to Gotham’s Dark Knight.

            I should take the time here to say that if you saw The Witch then you probably already suspected that this is a slow-burning movie, but as little of a plot as that film has, it’s easier to follow than this one. There’s actually more story points here and delves into the characters’ lives, but that serves more as a backdrop to the real grim metaphorical tale here. There’s specks of supernatural, but the main draw is in the cinematography and abstract quality of the film. And I don’t much care for it. I am all for abstracts and metaphors and what have you, but there’s nothing satisfying that comes from this. It’s fun listening to the accents and witness the period piece, but I never felt rewarded for anything that I figured out and left utterly confused by all the junk that made no sense. And even one of the biggest selling points of the Oscar-nominated cinematography using black and white doesn’t feel too impressive. There’s some good shots and occasional cool uses of lighting, but it’s nothing spectacular. If you really want to watch this film, you can find it on Prime. But unless you really just want to put yourself through pain by abstraction, I don’t recommend this movie.

 

Gillipedia Official Rating: Yeah, ain’t too shabby

            The debut film for filmmaker Robert Eggers and actress Anya Taylor-Joy (who has remained extremely busy since), The Witch (got tired of spelling that with the double v’s) is an atmospheric horror film of a banished family residing on a farm near some woods in 17^th century New England. And the filmmakers were so proud of the fact that the dialogue is accurate to the time as well as the story being taken from diaries recovered from the time, they included mentioning that as the end credits roll.

            The dialogue is neat, but if anyone actually understood everything that was said in the film, they deserve a job in speech immediately. I probably missed every fourth line of dialogue just because of how quiet and muddled the voices are. I didn’t watch with subtitles because I felt that might break the tension a bit, but they’re a necessity for this film.

            There’s a great family dynamic established here with little exposition to get in the way. The father is a hard worker and has one of the coolest sounding voices to listen to, the mother is a complex character that is stern but with love in her heart, there’s a younger brother who wants to prove he’s mature enough to help provide, young boy and girl twins, and a baby. But the real star here is definitely Taylor-Joy. She does a great job, even if her character is stuck with the name Thomasin.

            There’s actually action early on, but don’t expect that to be a common theme. The baby is taken by a witch, and there’s quite a disturbing sequence that is hard to make out entirely, and that’s for the best. This sets the whole story off as the family copes with the loss of the baby in their own ways and the witch continues to toil with the family that is struggling to put food on the table. Eventually, the primary tension evolves into the mother believing that Thomasin is actually the witch and they must rid of her to save the family.

            Don’t expect this horror film to be full of jump scares—it’s not that type of film. There’s some disturbing images for sure, but what works best is the whole atmosphere of the film. You really get a good sense of what a family on its own in the 17^th century might be subjected to. With this being a 90-minute film, it may be a slow-burner, but the films moves along with enough pace to hardly allow yourself to take a breath of relief. This film draws a lot of comparisons to Hereditary, and I think that is an apt comparison. This is an A24 film after all, so you won’t be seeing too much of the witch.

            What makes the film rise above Egger’s subsequent effort in The Lighthouse is how the film comes together. No spoilers here, but the way the story resolves itself with the family and with the witch and Thomasin’s arc works so much better. The Lighthouse does a good job of showing the lifestyle of that job during the time period, but the period piece is executed better here; the hardships of the lifestyle come through. At the beginning the family doesn’t have beds to sleep on because there’s no Red Roof Inn to stop at, and Bed, Bath, & Beyond possibly made a killing off of this film from all the candles that had to be used to light the night scenes in their cabin. The Witch succeeds if it gets the daunting atmosphere correct, and they do it right. And the final scene of the movie definitely is a doozy. If we’re continuing with comparisons, I do still think Hereditary edges this film out, but if you’re looking to watch a Robert Eggers film, definitely watch The Witch over The Lighthouse.

 

In Brief:

• As I mentioned earlier, I am now excited to see Pattinson in The Batman whenever that comes out. I know he’s been seeking out challenging roles in primarily indie films since his Twilight days, and if you write him off because of that franchise, then I’m guessing you haven’t seen his other stuff.
• There’s been some internal drama between movie companies and movie theaters. Trolls: World Tour made some big bucks in its improvised release for rentals at home, and that’s put the money-making companies into a frenzy about continuing this trend, and the theaters are upset and blah blah blah. Going to the theater will certainly be different as the country gradually opens up, but that’s okay. I will go in whatever socially acceptable way I can and support the films I want to see because as it stands, the next couple years will be loaded with films desperate to release. I just want to go watch stuff like Tenet and A Quiet Place Part 2 on the big screen, that’s all.
• There’s plenty to review, but as always I will absolutely look into any recommendation anyone has for me.

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

          

  Gillipedia Official Rating: Big Oof

            Let’s start from the very beginning. Before we get to see anything, we hear Godzilla’s iconic screech. While the first Godzilla made hearing the roar feel like a spectacle and a treat, this just feels cheap. And then when we do see something, it’s of a flashback back to the events of the first film—but from the perspective of Vera Farmiga and her child played by Millie Bobby Brown (think of Bruce Wayne at the beginning of Batman v Superman). Right off the bat, why don’t they just start off with the flashback, and if you gotta do the roar, have Godzilla do it in front of Vera and Eleven. That makes so much more sense to me.

            When we move to present day, I hated this sequence as well. We’re introduced to Mothra, and it feels way too much like Cloverfield in a bad way. My guess is that the post-production team was running out of time or budget, and they had to cut corners; this big blockbuster CGI sequence tries to look more realistic and engaged by following the movement of Mothra with the camera and even using some zooms. The way the actors interact with CGI Mothra is fine, but it’s pretty clear to me about what was real and when it all turned fake. I will throw a positive in here about the sound mixing. That aspect is honestly very good.

            There’s actually a pretty good ratio of action scenes in comparison to the runtime, but it is pretty formulaic in how we get expositional scenes followed by characters needing to travel somewhere for the next action scene to take place. After throwing in a King Kong Easter egg or two that was pretty easy to spot, we move on to a facility called Castle Bravo. I’m pretty sure they took that name from a failed Cartoon Network show. This film takes itself way too seriously to try throwing some military facility called Castle Bravo at me. Oh, that’s also the name of Andy Cohen’s next reality show on Bravo.

            This film is so frustrating because there’s stuff that looks so good. Like Monster Zero aka King Ghidora looks amazing frozen in ice. But there’s also such an overreliance on the classic blue and orange contrast used by so many movies nowadays. But we’ll get back to that in just a bit. If you’re still worried about the plot, please don’t be. It doesn’t matter. Vera has this machine that awakens all the monsters, and she teams up with some hippie terrorists to restore the world to a better state or something. I don’t know, truthfully, it’s been about a month since I watched this film, and I refuse to dwell on it. Kyle Chandler plays the cliched separated dad who should die so many times in this film but won’t because the studio paid him too much money to allow that to happen. And Millie Bobby Brown will help save the day while genuinely giving the best performance.

            So we’re still at this facility in Antarctica, right, and the second action scene gets underway. This movie again does nothing but follows trends and uses up its one f-bomb in a PG-13 film, and this one might take the cake as the most pointless of them all. There’s some Wrath of the Titans vibes here, but all in all, the reveal of King Ghidora is decent. Ghidora battles Godzilla, and it culminates in what annoys me about this film. The slowest shot is a wide shot of the 2 titans, and it’s undoubtedly the best shot and was featured prominently in the trailers. That gives way to a much too dark fight with way too many cuts. This movie is titled King of the Monsters; I can’t believe I’m saying this, but just be more like Pacific Rim and give me some cool giant fights that I can sit back and enjoy. I will say that scattered throughout are moments where Godzilla or the other monsters are in like a dark storm cloud and there’s either lightning flashes or Zilla has the spikes on his back glow briefly and it’s extremely cheesy, but it’s also more of exactly what I want out of the film.

            The movie turns back to its boring characters with no motivation and throws in Bradley Whitford just to try spicing things up. I’m going to take this time to say that the directing is terrible. It’s so bad and sigh-inducing. However, the music is pretty good. Back to the plot! I’m not sure if you’ve been paying attention because I hardly have, but they launch a bomb at one point. I don’t know what scientific principles went into this—perhaps the science of style—but the explosion is green and that really confused me.

            Anyways, the third action scene again features Godzilla and King Ghidora. In this round Godzilla rips off one of Ghidora’s heads, very badass move. Less than five minutes later, the head completely regrows. So thanks for that waste of a moment. It’s around this point that Eleven realizes how wrong her mom Vera is, and in a moment of very on-the-nose dialogue, she says, “You’re a monster,” and storms away. Brilliant writing on display, folks.

            I’m going to yada-yada some of the plot here. Kyle Chandler plays Mark who continues to run head-first into danger to very little consequence, and Godzilla swoops in to ex machina almost all of the important characters. Except—spoiler alert but who cares—for Sally Hawkins. The Oscar nominated actress dies very unceremoniously—think of the Asgardian warriors in Thor: Ragnarok. At one point Mothra hovers down from the heavens in ultimate cheese fashion. It’s a shame that the jokes in the film aren’t nearly good or consistent enough because the established films here aren’t very light-hearted; so, the movie tries taking itself seriously while having its cheese too and it just doesn’t work. I remember some of the later Harry Potter films having some really witty moments that worked. It doesn’t here.

            Let’s talk about the climax. One of my previous reviews was of Her which I praised for its use of cool blues. There are so freaking many blues in this film, it’s such overkill. The climax is no exception. Despite this, the climax still provides some of the best shots. It’s dark and rainy and the camera is looking at a skyscraper and in the windows we see the reflection of Godzilla coming. King Ghidora also WWE takes down God “Blue Beams” Zilla. Good stuff. Shame we didn’t get more of it. There’s also a quick shot that switches seamlessly from a lull in the monster fight to having the camera turn to the right and transition to where some of the human characters are with the point of this being that it was reminiscent of the action scenes in Aquaman. How cool could this film have been if more of the film was shot like that movie? It would make better use of the environments, incorporate the humans more naturally, and the whole ordeal would feel more cohesive.

            In my professional, critical opinion, this movie sucks. It’s one of the sadly too many cases where if you saw the trailers, you saw the best bits. There’s not many other cool shots or moments, and this movie certainly isn’t saved by complex characters or plot. If you’re looking for action during this quarantine, do yourself a favor and watch the John Wick trilogy. Heck, go watch Batman v Superman if you’re really kicking for some sort of CGI-fueled blockbuster. Just anything besides this monstrosity.



In Brief:

• I’ll consider compiling a list of what’s available for streaming during this quarantine that I would recommend. Call it the Gillipedia Criterion Collection or something dumb like that. I don’t know. We’ll see.
• There’s a couple of horror or thriller movies I’ve watched recently that I’ll consider reviewing. And please, if there’s any review or simple opinion you’d like to hear from me, let me know. I’ve been strongly considering adding some sort of official rating system to my reviews to help streamline everything, but that’s still up for debate. What’s not up for debate is the inclusion of Big Oof as one of the ratings. That would stay put, I assure you. 
• If you have any other ideas, questions, comments, concerns, or big wads of cash that you’d like to throw at me, I’m open to anything. Except possibly Cats. Please don’t make me do that.

Best Picture Winner Parasite

           

I was certainly surprised when Parasite won Best Picture at the Oscars over Golden Globe winner 1917 and my personal film of the year Marriage Story. But I also hadn’t seen the movie yet. With the film now streaming on Hulu, I jumped on the chance to see what this film is all about—especially considering how little I actually knew about it.

            If you were like me, then you probably heard that this film tackled a bunch of different genres and also somehow dealt with class warfare. That’s honestly a pretty apt description given how little information people wanted to divulge about the film considering its twists and unique plot. Quite simply put, this is a very interesting and original film, and I’ll avoid any spoilers for those that want (and should) watch the film. Oh, and I guess if you didn’t know, I should also mention that this is a South Korean film which means it’ll be subtitles all the way through. That absolutely shouldn’t deter you from watching this film; in fact, it really only adds more intrigue to the film to be able to see all the small cultural differences that you wouldn’t get with an English film.

            The film starts off with a family of four living in poverty and trying to find a way to smooch off of someone else’s Wi-Fi. Later, when a guy comes down the street spraying that bug spray stuff, the father insists on leaving the window open to help kill the bugs inside their home. It’s not a great situation, but writer/director Bong Joon Ho still finds humor in it. When the son’s friend Min recommends him to take his place tutoring a high school girl at a rich family’s house, that’s really when the plot starts moving. We now get introduced to the Park family living in an incredible house. Bong Joon Ho does an excellent job of not making this family pish posh or just utterly despicable; rather, there’s a certain bliss to the fact that their problems don’t bother them too much because they have the means to always move forward. As for the plot, all I’ll say is that the son is able to get his sister a job tutoring the Park’s young son without revealing that they’re actually siblings, so now our poor family has two people both earning money and with access to a luxurious home. As you may have guessed, if I continue on from here, I would only be doing everyone a disservice to reveal how the story evolves.

            There’s a distinct reason this film works as well as it does. It has an original plot and a well-deserved Oscar nomination for production design to go along with the genuinely funny humor, but that’s not what elevates it to an Oscar level. The two families work in tandem with each other, but how the film addresses the effects of wealth on your outlook on life and each character’s motivations is what really shines. There isn’t clunky narration or obvious exposition. The audience starts to draw their own themes, and then Bong Joon Ho gives us a couple of lines of dialogue that brings it all together in a thoughtful way. It’s like when a comedy has a running gag or inserts a ridiculous line of dialogue near the beginning only to quickly gloss over it before having it pop up later in the film. Some of the best comedies are the ones that use this technique well. Similarly, this is how Bong Joon Ho approaches his themes; as the son in the film would say, “It’s so metaphorical!” It’s not just that the story pays off, it’s the fact that it does so in such a natural way without ever beating the audience over the head with it that makes me so impressed with this film.

            Bong Joon Ho set a record for winning 4 Oscars for what he did with this film. It’s clear that he takes inspiration from some of the great American directors he’s studied, but it’s hard to try to compare him to anyone else. His style does carry over from his other films, however, so checking out the Chris Evans led Snowpiercer might help. I wouldn’t necessarily boast that the editing was Oscar-worthy, but there was one shot using water to help transition the scene that stood out to me. And apart from Bong Joon Ho, I was most impressed with Yeo-jeong Jo who played the naive Mrs. Park. She is a driving force in showing a kind character overall that still considers herself a little above others. The music, especially near the end, is also very good.

            It’s honestly hard trying to find faults in this film. But there’s a scene near the middle of the film that is pivotal in driving the movie into a new direction with a bit of a left-field twist. It does feel that the conflict that ends up presented could’ve been avoided, but the actions the characters take do match up with how they probably would react despite it not being completely rational. But it truly is a small critique.

            If you’re looking for a movie to watch during this quarantine that most likely isn’t your typical fare, I give a high recommendation to Parasite. All the way up to the very last line of dialogue will have you engaged, and the film is just so refreshing overall. It’s tough for me to say that I’d pick this movie over Marriage Story, but I absolutely understand why the film won Best Picture now and am impressed that it actually did. The film is thoughtful without ever being preachy in any way, and it’s just a lot of fun. Go watch this movie.



In Brief:

• I mean, what’s there really to say except that everything is indefinitely delayed?
• There’s a couple of different movies I could do a review for, just need to see if my thoughts would add enough value to warrant a review. I did watch the most successful South Korean movie ever in the high-octane Train To Busan, so if you’re really wanting me to do more international stuff, there’s enough movies out there for sure.
• Um, stay safe. And make sure to read this review 6 feet away from anyone else. 

Her

        

  I just watched one of the most interesting films out there. There’s a lot that could have derailed this movie, but it works out on almost every level. And what film is that? Well, for those that skipped reading the three-letter title at the top, I’m talking about Her. This is a story of a near-future world centered around a lonely writer named Theodore played by Joaquin Phoenix who has been separated from his wife for almost a year. He sees an advertisement for an operating system with the first-ever technology of an artificial intelligence, and he uploads it to his computer that night. From there he develops, well, a relationship with the system that calls itself Samantha and is voiced by Scarlett Johansson. And if that doesn’t sound like a typical rom-com setup, you are 100% accurate.

            There were a couple of films that I think compare nicely here to give you an idea of what Her is really like. First, the tone is actually reminiscent of Lost in Translation which is interesting for a variety of reasons. Lost in Translation is one of my favorite romantic movies, so comparisons to that is always a plus. But calling it a romantic movie is a bit of a disservice because it’s much more complex. The tone is somber, but there are deeply funny moments, and there’s also a very real bond between the two leads. Strangely enough, this description works surprisingly well for Her as well. Near the beginning of the film, Theodore puts an ear piece in on his way back to his apartment, and he tells the device to play a melancholy song. That reveals a good amount about the film. It’s here that we’re introduced to some great music provided by Arcade Fire, and we’re also treated to some great shots of just Theodore walking and the surrounding city. It’s impeccable to look at, is technically well-thought out from a design perspective, fits the vibe of the film, and it all makes sense with director Spike Jonze’s experience with music videos. If you're wondering if you've seen any of Spike Jonze's other works, he's notable for directing the Charlie Kaufman-written scripts for Adaptation. and Being John Malkovich.

            Just to connect the dots a bit, the director of Lost in Translation Sofia Coppola based that film loosely on her relationship with her then husband. That husband was in fact Spike Jonze. And to bring everything full circle, Theodore’s separated wife is played by Rooney Mara. Mara and Phoenix are currently engaged to get married (first having met on the set of this film). And they’re both strange creatures and perfect for each other, and I wish them the best.

            The other thing Her reminded me of was Wes Anderson. Her doesn’t use the symmetry that Anderson is famous for, but both utilize bright, mostly primary colors to great effect. The production design here is some of the best I’ve ever seen. What stands out the most is Theodore’s salmon-colored shirt he wears frequently and how that matches well with the vibrant hot pinks scattered throughout. There’s also plenty of cool blues used, but those are mostly used in the apartment scenes; and there’s even just enough yellow used to bring it all together. But it’s not just the colors. Every shot is artfully conceived with depth and loads of varying, interesting lighting. What I’m trying to get at is that this film is a joy to look at. Some shots from Skyfall that stand out the most are from Shanghai, and it’s clear some of the city shots in Her are also in Shanghai, and they look great.

            Let’s move on to the characters so that I can talk about something else so great in this film. Almost as good as his mustache is Phoenix’s performance. And the film really hinges on this as well. The movie is almost constructed theater-like in the fact that the camera lingers on Phoenix like he has these expansive monologues he’s giving, but half those are him engaging with Samantha because the AI don’t have no body. And those conversations are brought to life courtesy of Scarlett Johansson. I am convinced that she was a perfect choice for this role, and when you consider she had nothing but her voice to lend to add depth to her character, it’s actually quite remarkable what she achieves. And as you are all aware, I’m sure, I would be the first to sign up for whatever technology would allow me to have ScarJo talking in my ear all day. I was even getting small Emma Stone vibes from it all, and that is also perfectly okay with me.

            There’s actually a great supporting cast here as well. Chris Pratt brings a light-hearted touch, and he even sports his own mustache (Not as well as Phoenix, but I think that was the point. His character looks up to Theodore, so I think it was him trying to emulate Theodore a bit.) for some of the film. Amy Adams plays Theodore’s supportive friend, and there’s an incredible purity and kindness that she brings. And Scarlett isn’t the only famous voice here. Kristen Wiig has the most hilarious scene as a woman in an online chat room with the username SexyKitten. Spike Jonze even lends his voice to an incredibly adorable and vulgar alien creature in a videogame that Theodore plays.

            So we’ve covered tone, the look of the film, and the characters, and all of it hits the mark. Then there’s the story. And you know what, it’s also well done. From the way the characters are presented with their present states, their backgrounds, and how they arc throughout the film, it all makes sense. And Theodore’s job is to write letters for other people, and those letters are also really well-written. It’s details like those that elevate movies from good to great.

            Speaking of the writing, let’s talk about the awards. Her is pretty well-represented at the Oscars with many nominations and one win, but I enjoyed this film so much that I’d pull for even more. The win is for Original Screenplay for Jonze (no idea how to pronounce that by the way), and that’s well-deserved. Her lost to The Great Gatsby for Production Design, and I understand that Gatsby was going to grab the popular vote for that category, but I truly believe Her’s is better. This was also the year Frozen came out, so there was no way Her was going to beat “Let It Go” for Original Song. Jonze isn’t nominated for Directing, and there aren’t any actings nods either. Phoenix is the noticeable absence here (he did get a Golden Globe nod), but Amy Adams could have and should have easily gotten a supporting nod. There’s no way ScarJo gets a nom, but her work should still be recognized as well. You can even make arguments for either Cinematography or Costume Design to get in over a couple of the other films in those categories.

            Now okay, you know the critic in me has to nitpick this film at least a little. As well shot as they are, there are about three montages in the film. They’re not particularly long, but there’s one too many here. And I understand why the movie went where it did, but I do have some slight conflictions over the ending. But with that said, there’s so many cool things here. Videogames are incorporated in a cool way, the way Theodore’s job as a writer evolves the story is clever, and there are really funny moments that break up the undeniably weird nature of some of the scenes. Heck, I even enjoyed the credits. They’re a really cool font and some of the character names for the cast are quite funny. If you’re looking for a moving film with a unique twist on the romantic formula, you can’t get much better than Her.



In Brief:

• Everything is getting delayed. Daniel Craig’s last appearance as Bond in No Time To Die is delayed to November, Mulan is delayed, and although I really couldn’t care less, F9 (the next film will just have to be called 10 if they plan on continuing to shorten these titles) is delayed a whole year. These decisions make sense, but it’s still a bit of a shock to see. It will be interesting to see what else moves or stays. As it is huge films like Black Widow are staying where they are.
• A Quiet Place Part 2 I just learned is also delayed, and that's the biggest disappointment so far. You betcha I was going to risk the Coronavirus to see this movie. Well, whenever I do get to see it, it's going to be so good.
• Pixar’s Soul could be interesting. That's really all I have to say right now.
• Wanting to continue the legacy of The Pirates of the Caribbean, we will now get Jungle Cruise. There’s a lot of winning elements like Emily Blunt and The Rock leading the bill and drawing in the younger age group. From the trailer, though, the CGI looks shoddy. And I’ve been on the ride—waited in a much too long line for it—and wasn’t impressed. I don’t expect much better from this.
• I find it hilarious that Contagion is trending right now as a streaming movie, and I will genuinely consider rewatching it to be my next review.